Rich Kids, 2104
by Brett Welch
Who sends paper mail these days, anyway?
You are enthusiastically invited to celebrate my 30th birthday on August 31st, 2104. The party will be held at Club Icarus on the Mars Orbiter Pericles.
Jesus Christ. What the fuck happened to birthdays in Vegas. Get a cabana, wave down some girls, buy a few grams of Sally from a shady guy wearing sunglasses inside. Now we have to go to fucking Mars to party?
Travel to Mars will be provided gratis on our new Space X SunWarp Shuttle. Also known as the fastest commercial spacecraft in the Galaxy – and YOU will be the first members of the public to experience it. Thanks to this new technology, we will arrive at Mars in a matter of mere hours.
Holy shit. That little assflap has been talking about daddy’s warp drives for years.
Since this is a novel experience for all of you, I have prepared some guidelines for your safety and enjoyment.
1. It is advised that you fast for 24 hours before embarking. Warp travel can cause extreme nausea if you are traveling on a full stomach.
2. Bring a common non-drowsy anti-emetic. Club Icarus is a zero gravity environment which may cause motion sickness.
3. You may experience Puffy Face Syndrome (PFS). For the single men and women of this adventure, a word to the wise – the (very attractive) men and women of Club Icarus are not appreciative of PFS, and neither are my birthday photographers. To prevent PFS, avoid caffeine and other diuretics. Olay also sells an anti-PFS lotion.
4. Despite the current trend, don’t wear or bring any Aluminized fabrics. Cheaper versions of these fabrics cause rather explosive reactions with the gasses used to stabilize the atmosphere on the ship.
5. Remember that Mars is a terraforming ecological environment that is under protection. While we will not be going to the surface, many of the residents you meet on Pericles will be surface workers. Mars Orbiter Pericles, by extension, is under the same eco protections as Mars. Do not bring food or fresh fruit. Unfortunately, if you are sick you will not be allowed on the shuttle. Expect to be decontaminated when you arrive.
Ha. I’ve met your friends. Nothing could decontaminate them.
6. If you… rendezvous with anyone at Club Icarus. Ask how old they are in EARTH years. Seriously – 16 years for a Mars-born adult is 30 years.
7. No aerosol cans.
8. Warp travel may cause temporary anxiety, insomnia, drowsiness, euphoria, or suicidal thoughts. The lawyers made me put that in there; personally I’ve never had a problem.
That’s because you’re already crazy, numbnut.
For your convenience, I’ve included a waiver as part of your RSVP slip. Please return the slip before September 15th so I can finalize numbers.
Nikola Musk Esq.
Fucking rich kids.
Krys and I will be publishing one ultra short story each, every week, here on this blog. The theme for this month is “Invitations.”
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